Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
