He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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