i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
