Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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