Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
