His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
