I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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