My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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