she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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