my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
