Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Say something about gay babies.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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