I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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