Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
