Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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