I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.