my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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