is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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