I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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