Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
