The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
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I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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