no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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