I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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