tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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