dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
