I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
