Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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