I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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