wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
