i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
