I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
