it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
