my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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