just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
