Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
