Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
