just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
