youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
