I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
