i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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