Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My vagina is officially offended.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
