You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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