I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He? As in you personified your dick?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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