HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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