I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
