He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
