gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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