im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
