Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
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we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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