I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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