Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
