Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
