Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
well you can't waste a boner
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize