I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
