My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
