It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
