My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
