guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
