capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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